I turned 30 at the beginning of May. Most people kind of dread this milestone, but it has been one that I have approached with much thought and introspection. I've been realizing so much about myself in the past few months. So much about how MY VIEW of the world around me, has much more to do with me, than the people I come into contact with.
I want to LIVE life, I don't want to let it happen. I want to embrace where I am at. I don't want to wait for my ideal to actually live and enjoy. Too often, I'm so focussed on the future and what I hope and dream of, that I forget to enjoy the process and end up frustrated. I don't want to hold back on what will happen in the future. As Rich and I wait for a match in our domestic adoption, I want to live today for today, not today with the thoughts of what if we get matched. Am I making sense?
This may not be a revelation to many, but I've realized that living in the "if only's" and "what ifs" have been holding me back. I've built a little "protective" bubble around myself, because I feared being hurt, but have realized that its lonely in this bubble. I feel isolated and out of touch way too often. I want to break the anonymity and live in relationship with the people in close proximity to me. I want to enjoy today, not grasp at what I hope may come tomorrow.
So...I am hosting a weekly ladies biblestudy at my house this summer. I am so looking forward to this. I want to have people over, go for picnics, take a coffee night and just overall build and develop friendships. I have immersed myself in gardening...there is something so wonderful and calming about working with God's creation. I'm enjoying some sewing, and the scary process of learning how to bake artisan breads with sourdough starters.
With all of these awesome new things, have also come some sad moments. I've said goodbye to things/places that are near and dear to my heart...but as I held onto them, I realized that I was looking back, or forward, not in the immediate.
So today, I embrace where I'm at. Praise God for today, it is a good and perfect gift from HIM!
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