Have you ever wondered if you were in the right place? I mean, sure, I chose these circumstances,but have you ever had the feeling that it was all a mistake. That you weren't up for the challenge that this particular avenue was leading you to? It's too hard, and I don't want to have to deal with this? In a friendship? A relationship? With a family member? Well, as much as I hate to admit this, YES, I have! There is one relationship in particular that brings this up ALOT! In the past year or so, God has given me some insight, and yet I still don't like it, and in moments of crises and great emotional upheaval, I DETEST it...I resent it...I just plain sound like a two year old having a temper tantrum! I often think, what's the point? What I think, say, do, doesn't seem to matter, so why bother? Yet, I wouldn't change the circumstances that have led me here.
So this morning, after a very sleepless night, as I was reading my devotions, I got even more insight. John 10: 10-13
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. "I am the good shepherd, The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. the hired hand is not the shepherd who owns the sheep. So when he sees the wolf coming, he abandons the sheep and runs away. Then the wolf attacks the flock and scatters it. The man runs away because he is a hired hand and cares nothing for the sheep."
Okay, so I'm not Jesus, and I realize that Jesus is the Good Shepherd...but if I am a christian, I'm to strive to follow Jesus, and live as he did. In my relationships, I can choose to be like the Good Shepherd,and lay down my life...put aside my ideals, desires, and ways in general,for the well being of the other person, even when I don't like it, when its not convenient....OR I can be like the hired hand and just run away...Well,I want to care, I want to be like the good shepherd, and so that means laying down my life. That means making sacrifice, and that means an attitude change for me. So,though I have no control over certain situations, though I am removed from the decision making process, though I am still effected/affected by results and after effects, I choose to remain. I choose to stand in the gap in prayer.
A woman I respect a lot shared how she had to parent her teen on a different continent from hundreds of miles away. She had to parent through prayer. Her challenge was that if she could do it through prayer alone, how much more impact can we have on our children when we have them in close proximity. So today, as I think over the situation at hand ( Sorry to be cryptic, but I hate when people put out all the details of their interpersonal relationships on their blogs) I choose to take that challenge. In this relationship, though I don't have any direct impact or influence on the decisions made, I stand in prayer, knowing that it will have FULL impact, and is probably the best thing I can do!
The other moment of insight came, when I realized that the enemy of my soul, would love for nothing more than me to give up on this relationship. To grow cold, develop apathy and just not fight. He wants this relationship destroyed...he wants my negative emotions to drive a wedge between me, this person and other relationships I have...It is all the more important for me to Lay Down My Life, Stand my Ground and Pray, watching the Victory that only HE, Jesus, can bring.